Its been a helpful resource. Im so worried for my own life. The anger problems started after an accident where he suffered a head injury. we all need to come together and support one another in hard times like these. It isnt about telling children. He was 34 and had been battling something I will never understand. We are a family broken. He would never do that, he was always so happy, caring and he loved his family more than anything on earth but he did do it. If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live. I cant see myself ever moving on as it feels Im frozen in that moment finding him and looking for signs of life. Beyond surviving Know you can survive. He doesnt go anywhere without it. Is that when he was at his drunkest he still wanted more until he passed out. I sat with him for hours each night talking, he told me that I would have to accept that he could not carry on in this world, he felt like an outcast, did not fit in or belong. We used to be 4 now we are 3 left its the worst thought, i wish nobody would understand how hard such a simple thing hurts. We were told that she was brain dead and wouldnt gain consciousness, my parents turned her life support off at 11am and she held on until 11.35pm if she lasted another 25 minutes they would have switched the life support back on. He reheated some food at 2 or 3 a.m. (we are guessing), had his Facebook messenger open on the computer and was texting with his girlfriend of 8 years until just shortly after three when he stopped replying to her messenges. He was a beloved 8th grade math teacher and leaves behind a wife and 5 five-year-old son, who was his whole world. My husband ended his walk through this life in June 2019. What couldve driven him to such an act must have been so overpowering that even his life didnt matter, his family and children didnt matter and I didnt matter. There are no words. All of these unanswered questions. he called for help for 4hrs but neighbours thought he was drunk, only intervene when he was dying. Depression took my sons life almost three years ago. Kieron October 29, 2020 at 3:46 pm Reply. Its been 7 years and both people I dated after were openly threatened that I still had feelings for the man that left this earth. I am so, so sorry. Its never easy and it changes not only your life, but soul forever. My mom without her husband. Be your idea of a good person (thoughtful, kind, empathetic, etc.). I am not religious but I believe dejavu dreams all of it is because we are living the same life over and over one soul leaves and another entres. I believe he blames me for his suicide. Her memorial in this Saturday and I fear I may not make it. Im just still so lost. It was one of the last things I said. i can not believe this is real, i keep telling myself this is a nightmare that i need to wake up from we had so many plans that are gone he has 2 daugthers and he 2 my 2 under his wing as his own, why couldnt he at least think about them and ask for help? Your comment made me cry. My brother killed himself this summer and i think i'm in the weirdest part of coping. I know that you feel hopeless, but please know that you have many reasons to live. My boss and mentor killed himself last week. I just want half the person I use to be before his death. My son could not have been in his right mind to kill himself. But then I realize he already knew that. I just wanted to rip them out of my head. Thanks for letting me vent! I began to understand that Id experienced love at first sight many years before, although I d never thought in those terms before. My son was on combo of meds that stabilized him for 8 years. She planned to sell her things and move to Texas to be with her sister and I was very encouraging I just wanted her to get into therapy and heal herself. We got him a card and balloons. I am lost. I live in NZ, there is still great stigma around suicide here, and debate about how much should be reported in the media regarding the high suicide rates here. He took him to his first day of school and returned home. We were in our 20s. At some point it stops being about them. Plus they are the most successful because of there training. But I have to stay strong for my baby girl and husband! It is hard to imagine Christmas this year, knowing he is gone. You may want to scream and shout. The relief I thought I would feel has not yet come. nothing makes sense to me. I cant stop thinking about him, 24 hours a day I miss him so much. You can just talk about him if you'd like. Nobody can bring her back or undo this. Just me and the bearded dragon left behind in the kids room next door and the stray cat on the lawn that my neighbor used to feed. And I want to cry when I look at his boys. I would like to have my closest people to understand my leaving. It sounds like you do have people in your life,I hope you decide to live for them. I want you to know that there is hope. SOBS is Survivors of bereavement through suicide. the questions came faster than I could process. I rather want to be alone in a room than spending time with my family and friends. The man who I walked out on to clear my head, only to return 20 minutes later to his dead body hanging from my ceiling. Be patient with yourself and with others who may not understand. I beat the door with my fist until my hands wouldnt close hit my knees and screamed out everything in me! I am angry at him for leaving us but I am understanding in knowing that what he did was not the man I knew and that mental illness is a real issue, so I pray for those who see the signs leading up and do all you can, Lord knows I did, but it was too much to overcome. If it were natural causes or an accident, I feel I could deal better. Give yourself time to heal. For this reason, organizations like the World Health Organization, National Institute for Mental Health, American Association for Suicidology, American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, and countless others have been working to shift suicide-related terminology. There was a gun and bullets just waiting for him. I knew he was having a hard time after the first three weeks of lockdown, but I was not aware of how much he was suffering. Elizabeth Berger May 27, 2019 at 10:59 pm Reply. Thanks for continuing the conversation! It has destroyed our entire family. Deborah Smith July 8, 2016 at 9:07 am Reply. Im depressed too and you put into words exactly how Im feeling. Thank you! I chased him our whole marriage but never seemed to reach his deepest empty space. I hope you can take at least a little bit of comfort in the fact that he died knowing you loved him. It has been over 3 years since I lost my baby brother to suicide. My 32 year old brother, the youngest of four boys, committed suicide by hanging himself from the inside of the living room door on March 24 (Just 5 days ago). It maybe helpful for you. Life doesnt seem worth living with her standing on my throat. The anxiety took his life. If you want- Id love to connect. Thats all I know for sure. It was all in the letter, every reason behind his suicide was a reason I gave him and I just wish I'd never packed . My dad died by suicide when I was five, so I dont remember much of him and that is part of the pain. All the cops can say is that its suspicious circumstances. My mother suffered with severe depression but we saved her why wouldnt he let us save him. She had been directly taken to a center for mental health about a week before she died and they denied her, said she didnt meet their criteria to commit her. You can listen to it online here https://m.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/557/birds-bees. Ill be sure to punch him in the face and tell him how shitty it was after he killed himself. He didnt want to be here when she left and he felt like hed already lost her. I was against the marriage. But you can hear it in their voice its not. I know I will see him again but until then I have work to do here. Many tried extremely brutal methods and still found themselves alive. I cried my eyes out.. No one knew how close we were, I think she was my soul mate, and I was Meant to save her that night. Its such a tragic event and for everyone who loved her.such a loss, very cruel for her husband, and daughter, who she shared custody with her ex husband. He also had substance issues, but the mental illness really took precedence over all of that. After any death, mourners mayfeel like theyre losing it; and traumatic loss often exacerbates these feelings. If not, ask a professional to help start one. The tragedy of it shattered my heart. My son ended his life two days after Christmas this last year. Talked to the ambulance people. One of my close friends became sucidal after that, he gave a real life perspective on what she went through. Then go to reddit and see how people re saying they committed suicide. Your sister wasnt thinking rationally for if she was she would have considered the heartbreak she would be causing those that loved her. He was ten years younger than I, being the older sister I took care of him, babysitted him growing up..my role has always been caretaker. I just lost my brother he was murdered August,17th 2021. . Grief is already such a challenging emotion to understand. Sept. 20, 2019-For 20 years, I have been healing from the loss of my son to suicide. Weve traveled with them and have become very close friends. The movies and music I love come from him, my love of football, Im a huge fan of the Oakland raiders bc of him. i dont discuss how his life ended with most people because even some of my closest friends feel the need to share their unsolicated opinion of suicide and frankly my dear . Bo Jackson was/is my favorite player/athlete bc of himmy first born son 5yrs old is named after him. I as a studying therapist have always had faith our mental health system was working on getting better now its hard for me to trust at all. My family barely speaks of the event and the lack of support from friends really surprised me. Kristin October 19, 2019 at 2:04 am Reply. I let his doctors know when he was having thoughts of self-harm, and when he made attempts, at least 5 times since the fire. It probably took me about twenty five years to finally accept that my stepdad really died of suicide. If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves. the pain is unbearable. It sounds like not knowing why your brother took his life is really troubling to you. But at the same time I dont know how if I have myself considered in dying because life is overwhelming me. Carolyn January 13, 2021 at 11:54 am Reply. He must have felt so utterly alone. I will always love him and what he did for me and the girls, but I know I will see him again some day , Houston P April 27, 2021 at 7:09 pm Reply. I just hope that all the people who loved him will be okay. I tried to commit suicide more than once, twice while he was alive and three times since then. I do realize, though, that some of you wont read this post all the way through. On April 8th the love of my life took her life almost right in front of me. I am also sorry to hear that you have had poor experiences with mental health professionals. 1. ?, Alexis January 7, 2020 at 9:30 am Reply. I thought I would never get my life back. have tried to reach out to my BFFs husband and daughters to give my condolences but cant seem to find them home and dont have their phone numbers. This was my last real fun father-daughter moment (Beside putting a bird in vodka for my final exams since I study biology but thats another story), that I will truly cherish forever. Many people cannot comprehend or understand this type of loss and the implications it has on us, the bereaved, the Suicide Survivors. I was not gone 24hrs when it happened. My 16 year old daughter took her life on 12/28/2020. Don't shut yourself away, you need to deal with this, in whatever way feels right. Some people cant imagine the mental and emotional pain that would cause a person to kill themselves, so they might make assumptions or judge the deceaseds actions, calling them weak or selfish. And I dont understand why its very bothersome. He was going down that same road I knew what he was headed for, and should have been more supportive. I live far away from my family and now Im Back home feeling so much pain and feeling lonely. Do we ever get over this sort of thing. It's not normal to copy siblings to the degree he did. She had killed herself. Dear Prudence, My boyfriend killed himself last week. Im sorry. I just hope we can all find a way to live alongside it. My dad had planned this as he reached out to several people weeks before he did it and told them to take care of my mom and I if something ever happened to him. Because to do anything else will not help you or your husband . Bryan Hugh Strickland December 30, 2018 at 9:38 pm Reply. I will say this, seeking out a life coach was the best thing I could have done for myself. I had no idea he would do this. I read 8-9 books on death and grief, several ones specifically geared towards the issue of suicide. My 28 year old son was found hanging in the woods after going missing from a sober home 3 weeks earlier. But I will NEVER have that unless I create it myself starting with me. I just came across your message at the top of the comments and felt like I really wanted to write to you.. She died in the middle of my finals week. I just want to hug him too.sometimes it hard to swallow that I wont see him ever again and it hurts..hugs to you and your family this holiday season, Mom of Tom December 14, 2018 at 12:24 pm. Its important to note: It is not the nature of a death that makes it traumatic, but how the event is interpreted and processed by the individual. Something inside me knew it wouldnt happen. Im sorry to hear about your loved ones passing. I was even stupid enough to tell him that I usually lie to myself to make bad memories feel like dreams, so he began telling himself that all of his happy memories werent real and hes only ever known pain. I just remember getting out of the car and falling to my knees crying no. You sound exactly like me and what Im going thru. I spend quality time with my children, knowing that one day they will be remembering me. May God help me get through another day as each day is a challenge and no one knows just what his death has done to my soul. It seems to be too common. poor him. She was 25 & had depression. Even in death she still gave everything. I read somewhere that children of parents who commit suicide are 50/50 in following in their footsteps. You were as good to your friend as you knew how to be. Just to hug him and tell him I love him and thank him for helping me become who I am in so many ways. Hi, I am so sorry for your loss and for the conflicting emotions you must be feeling. As a mum I should have done more. All that and more if I had been a good Momma to my beautiful little girl she would be here now.So why am I here? He had just turned 20. She had told me she had been up in the loft earlier but I had no thought that she had been up there making a thing out of her dogs lease to do this nightmare thing. Remember that people dont decide to take their own lives in their right mind, something must have messed him up really badly. i love him so much. Family members disagree about how they want to discuss the death privately within the family. I love him so much and I just hope this blur of emotions will turn into strength. His hamper of clothes is still in the same spot when he was here. My sister fell or jumped off a very tall bridge outside of the friends house i was staying at 4 years ago. i received the last message, i was the last to hear his voice and the last person he said i love you. I lost my husband to ALS, and 2 years later my oldest son died from ALS, then 4 months after that my youngest son died by suicide. I just needed to get it off my chest. When I read your words it was the first time Ive seen my own feelings in print. No note, no reason therefore no answers. For the constant worry for my parents (who divorced around 3 years ago and still havent recovered) For having to scrub her blood off the back of the bathroom door for the look on my dads face as he stares blankly down at his hands, for the nights Ive held my mother has she cries. At the time, my sister who was 9 and I were told that he had died of a heart attack in his sleep. At times , I feel like I have no purpose to go further into life with all this pain I have to endure every single day. Then started asking if anything happens to him will I help his wife with the boys. He wants to be able to go out with friends and drink. She knew that and still forgave me for everything. He became very bitter and angry the last few years of his life and I wasnt there for him as I should have been. Appreciate the link and will check out that sub. I am so sorry this has happened, all of my thoughts are with your family. He would bring me out of my depression and id bring him out of his. He wrote his suicide letter on it. Im starting to recover, but I cant handle anyone mentioning his name. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life. Sadly, she could not remain on the medication, however the nurses did home visits to do appraisals. Or we reconnect and I sweep him up and take him to safety in my home. God LOVES you, and has a plan and purpose for your life, at the end of the tunnel there is a light and his name is Jesus Christ, his word says in John 8:12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, I am the light of the world. The intention is to replace the existing terminology, mainly the term committed suicide as committed refers to things like crime and religious offenses and contributes to the stigma around suicide. For those of you who know yourselves well enough to know you wont finish, I want to tell you that I will link to additional resources at the end of this post. He didnt believe in himself tho. Take assurance that your pain will ease and it will become a bit easier with time. How do I get through this? My Joseph, husband of 22 years, was my best friend, my sunshine and my center. my brother just killed himself today. I found her the next morning on my way to work. Im struggling with the what ifs. Could I have stopped it? When I flew to the state he lives she for a living sells guns and knew he was severely struggling and never told us. I feel angry that he could do this to us.. Back to hearing exactly what happened. Have it be some part of your story as messed up as that it. R.I.H. My Brother Killed Himself. I lost my wife when she took her life close to 8 years ago. I never even knew he was sick. He called . Although we live there, these neighbors would come when they could mostly on weekends. He gave his heart to God, though, walls and all. I lost my mom in 2014 after taking care of her for the last two years of her life, but she was 85 and had been very ill, so as devastating as that was, there is no why? kind of thing. Call someone when you need to talk. julia bannister March 27, 2021 at 7:27 pm Reply. He was my saving grace and confidant and someone who never judged me. Farhan Towhid, a chronically depressed 19-year-old Texan who formed a murder-suicide pact with his older brother and killed their parents, sister and grandmother over the weekend, was raised in a religious Muslim family but acted against his faith, according to Hasmat Mobin, president of the Bangladesh Association of North Texas. My father shot himself in the head 30 years ago this year. When I gave birth to a stillborn baby, I knew it was at least a comparatively normal death that many other women have endured. A year later my husband died of heart attack and my other brother went to prison for drugs he started using after my baby brothers death. So thats what I wanted to sharejust something I have been working on. Alison December 27, 2018 at 12:00 pm Reply. There is strength in surviving loss. For those who die from illness, the relief comes from knowing they are no longer in physical pain. This is a nightmare. ALS, or amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, is a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord. Isabelle Siegel January 22, 2021 at 10:46 am Reply. It may take many years, but you will heal. Very recent. It is going to be not easy but I will invite our family to have small gathering prior do discuss how we want to do it. The next day shes gone. Sadly, there is a stigma attached to mental illness and suicide. My father killed himself in front of me when I was 19. the Rx worked great for his prostate BUT my happy laid back 66 year old surfer (who ran circles around many of his younger friends) started having panic attacks, anxiety and depression. Answer (1 of 6): I cried um I thought of all of our memories good and bad and I am going through depression and I didn't know how to react I was just shocked and cried and I miss him and I kept thinking why would he do that and he would be graduation this year. i love him so much. Please dont despair. Richard Martino May 1, 2021 at 7:54 pm Reply, Julia I lost my daughter two years ago she was 37 years old she was my oldest daughter I have one other daughter my oldest daughter Amber I lost my daughter two years ago she was 37 years old she was my oldest daughter I have one other daughter my oldest daughter Amber was struggling struggling all the time. I have felt alone in my grief, but funnily enough I met my boyfriend recently and discovered that he also lost his mother to suicide. I got home on Saturday morning about 8ish and my neighbor was coming down the stairs as I was walking up and he said to me, your dog has been running around all night. Thank you for your blog. I need no pity , alcoholics are nortorius for blame and shame and I refuse to allow him to make me feel I did anything to cause this it was his decision alone. Leesa Becker January 22, 2019 at 6:41 am Reply. Then, when I was 14, my older brother was killed when a truck hit him on his bike after school. He will always be on my mind. He recently got fired from two jobs due to anger problems and had been drinking heavily. We all thought all was ok. The physical pain is real. I have 3 children as well as 2 beautiful grandchildren. Suicide is the biggest killer of men in the UK under 50. Set your own limits and learn to say No. Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel. I didnt get to see her on Mothers Day and I will regret that and other things probably forever. At first, the shock kept the pain away now I have days where the pain is so raw and I cant stop crying which is unusual as for years I have had no emotions due to other family traumas. Spending time with her wasnt the same it was almost like her eyes were glassed over and her physical body was present but her mind was elsewhere. Chris Coleman July 10, 2022 at 2:04 pm Reply. Katie, omg your words are so true with what Im going through right now. Ive never gotten over it. He was my best friend from the start. Thing is, I didnt see his text until 30 minutes later. It finally reached the point that I could no longer function. Melinda January 23, 2019 at 5:44 pm Reply. The pain doesnt disappear, but your life has to go on. My boyfriend of nine years died by suicide only 7 weeks ago. The anniversary is coming up (9/4/17). I didn't even know these statistics until my Dad. Happiest guy ever with a great family. Today would have been my 26th wedding anniversary. Of course I did find him in the bedroom, he shot himself in the head. Thank you for sharing your story. Five hours later my husband and I found him hanging in an old barn. I had found him. OMG, I just watched the 60 Minutes segment about brain injury to soldiers who have experienced an explosion. I knew the guys name but didnt even connect the two. Bless you ? If youre concerned, it never hurts to seek out a little support and psychoeducation from a therapist or counselor. Reading his death certificate made it all very real. As each one connected with me, we found relief and a little bit of healing. All the feels and more that you describe are very accurate and hard to cope with at the same time. All the best to you. After he did it, I received the call from my dads cousins husband. My whole world caved in and I died with him that day as Ive never been the same ever since. If I would have known he was suffering I would have dropped everything to be with him. Oh dude :(. People have said shocking things to me, I now lash out and tell them that until they have walked in my shoes they know nothing. i am really down right now so my comments are not to refreshing, Cheryl September 8, 2016 at 9:29 pm Reply. my girlfriend commited suicide with her dads pistol today. My children had not seen their aunt for 3 years. He didnt live any note and he didnt say anything to me. May God bless each and every one of you ,as well as your lost loved ones. My darling perfect lovely boyfriend killed him self yesterday morning. My son had suffered from bipolar psychosis since age 17 1/2 when he was diagnosed. In a journal he had kept he wrote she said it was 5 years of hell. Isabelle Siegel January 22, 2021 at 10:34 am Reply. Life is too beautiful and precious, not to seek help. Press J to jump to the feed. Im sending positive thoughts, love and prayers to all those who suffer from loss due to suicide. If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence. <3 my heart is with you and if you want to share some words feel free to reply and I will give you my contact information. The previous weekend she had disappeared suddenly and at the wrong time of day, and I instantly realized that she intended to harm herself. My sister in law ended her life on 8/6/2018. He was gone. You name it. He is an amazing father, husband, friend, lover. I know why my daughter ended her life. He began using drugs hed never done before, using the excuse that it is the only thing that takes the pain away. Join a 12 step program. He was, I thought, happy with his life up until a few weeks ago, when his girlfriend of 2 years began to dump him. My brother killed himself last year he was 47 years old after battling depression and illness. She suffered from poorly-treated excruciating migraines. I can feel him next to me, in my peripherals but I just cant quite see him. Its like being turned inside out with no way back. His parents blamed me and still do to this day, because I ended our engagement because my then fiance became active in his alcoholism. i don't know how to feel. A girl from my old high school killed herself yesterday night. Until the question of why can be answered, grieving family and friends may continue to search and ruminate. For some reason I keep trying to reach out, like all of you, as I see. Hey Katharina. Every single day. My son made his first suicide attempt at age 18. You have to learn to GROW around it. Michelle Wisdom June 14, 2016 at 6:56 am Reply, I lost a spouse to suicide. I am still grieving for her. The questions about what if jaunt me? He had 7 weeks without anything at all If my mam hadn't just retired I honestly believe he would have killed himself. I don't remember much of what happened afterwards. As you describe seeing you father and the experience youre having of fear and difficulty with the hard memories, it sounds like in addition to your grief of losing him that you are still struggling with the trauma of the circumstances of his death. Hi, I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain you are experiencing. Im beginning to find the weeds between the cracks a few with dandilions. I had tried to help my little brother for years. My second piece of advice, when you are ready, is to find a Suicide Survivor group in your area. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. I can not believe that some body can make you jump from the rooftop of the 19th floor building. I didnt even know whether I was alive. Theyre grieving their child, and the only one they have left is at fault. We just buried her this past Friday. She deserved the world and now its too late to give it to her. Take care of yourself. , Mary Kral June 13, 2016 at 4:10 pm Reply. We spent some time with his body after they gave up and I took some snippets of his hair. Desi. Feel the feeling and allow yourself to grieve. I am so incredibly sorry to learn about your fathers death. I tried so hard to look after him and protect him. She writes out the storm. We can only guess at how much emotional pain he was in because he hid it so well. Its been over a year and Ive been committed to mental hospital, went to prison and put myself in every dangerous position I possibly could. She thought people were breaking in to her condo, raping her, stealing things etc. No one understand what a hole I have in my heart. May be sending you a message in the days to come. So even when its evident that the suicide was not an act of intentional abandonment, it still may feel that way to the people who grieve the death. He used cannabis heavily and I suspect other things too. Every funeral I go to or hear about I flash back to Marys , my wife , in 1998. But I will be moving forward on my own. Im sure you can. Came with a great amount of effort. What triggered him to do such a thing? I hope its not too late, The father of my son passed away last Friday and today would be his funeral . It was around 8:30AM that morning and I was looking all over for him to give him his Fathers Day card; it was a popup beach card that I knew he would have loved. <3, Litsa September 14, 2021 at 9:34 am Reply, Please know that you are very much not alone in this. This is really hard. With this in mind, we recommend you learn what you can from your commonalities with other grievers, but take differences with a grain of salt. It makes me wonder if there was something we could have done and it makes me want to know why He did it but we dont know and we probably never will.